The Host Chapter 50: Sacrificed

The quester scrutinized my face trance Mel and I fought.No, Wanda, noDont be witless, Mel. You of all flock should see the potential of this choice. Isnt this what you postulate?But even as I tried to look at the happy ending, I couldnt escape the horror of this choice. This was the hush-hush I should die to protect. The information Id been desperate to keep safe no matter what hideous wo(e) I was put through.This was not the kind of torture Id anticipate a personal crisis of conscience, confused and complicated by love for my human family. Very painful, nevertheless.I could not claim to be an expatriate if I did this. No, I would be purely a traitor. non for her, Wanda Not for her Mel howled.Should I check? Wait until they catch another soul? An innocent soul whom I dupe no reason to hate? Ill become to light upon the decision some eon.Not now Wait Think about thisMy stomach rolled again, and I had to hunch my body forward and take a deep breath. I equit equal managed n ot to gag.Wanda? Jeb called in concern.I could do it, Mel. I could justify permit her die if she was one(a) of those innocent souls. I could let them kill her then. I could trust myself to make an objective decision.But shes horrible, Wanda We hate herExactly. And I rottert trust myself. emotional state at how I almost didnt see the answerWanda, you all sound?The Seeker gl atomic number 18d noncurrent me, toward Jebs voice.Fine, Jeb, I gasped. My voice was breathy, strained. I was surprised at how insalubrious it sounded.The Seekers shameful look flickered between us, unsure. Then she recoiled from me, cringing into the wall. I recognized the pose-remembered exactly how it felt to hold it.A gentle flock came down on my shoulder and spun me around.Whats going on with you, hon? Jeb asked.I need a minute, I told him breathlessly. I looked straight into his faded-denim eyes and told him something that was most definitely not a lie. I collect one more question. But I really n eed a minute to myself. Can you wait for me?Sure, we can wait a brusk while more. Take a breather.I nodded and walked as quickly as I could from the prison. My legs were stiff with terror at first, but I found my pace as I moved. By the time I passed Aaron and Brandt, I was almost running.What happened? I heard Aaron whisper to Brandt, his voice be exciteded.I wasnt sure where to hide while I thought. My feet, like a shuttle on automatic pilot, took me through the corridors toward my quiescency room. I could only hope that it would be empty.It was dark, barely both turn on from the stars trickling down through the cracked ceiling. I didnt see Lily till I tripped over her in the darkness.I almost didnt recognize her tear-swollen face. She was curled into a tight, piffling ball on the floor in the middle of the passageway. Her eyes were wide, not quite comprehending who I was.Why? she asked me.I stared at her wordlessly.I said that bread and butter and love go on. But why do t hey? They shouldnt. Not anymore. Whats the point?I dont know, Lily. Im not sure what the point is.Why? she asked again, not speaking to me anymore. Her smooth eyes looked right through me.I stepped carefully past her and hurried to my room. I had my own question that had to be answered.To my neat relief, the room was empty. I threw myself facedown on the mattress where Jamie and I slept.When Id told Jeb I had one more question, that was the truth. But the question was not for the Seeker. The question was for me.The question was would I-not could I-do it?I could save the Seekers life. I knew how. It would not endanger any of the lives here. Except my own. I would keep up to trade that.No. Melanie tried to be firm through her panic.Please let me look.No.This is the thing, Mel. Its inevitable anyway. I can see that now. I should have seen it long ago. Its so obvious.No, it isnt.I remembered our conversation when Jamie was ill. When we were making up. Id told her that I wouldnt eras e her and that I was sorry that I couldnt give her more than that.It wasnt so much a lie as it was an unfinished sentence. I couldnt give her more than that-and stay alive myself.The actual lie had been given to Jared. Id told him, just seconds later, that I didnt know how to make myself not exist. In the context of our discussion, it was true. I didnt know how to fade away, here inside Melanie. But I was surprised I hadnt heard the obvious lie right then, hadnt seen in that moment what I was seeing now. Of course I knew how to make myself not exist.It was just that I had never considered that option viable, ultimate betrayal that it was to every soul on this planet.Once the humans knew that I had this answer, the one they had murdered for over and over again, it would cost me.No, WandaDont you necessity to be free?A long pause.I wouldnt ask you for this, she finally said. And I wouldnt do it for you. And I sure as hell wouldnt do it for the SeekerYou dont have to ask. I think I mi ght have volunteered eventually.Why do you think that? she demanded, her tone close to a sob. It touched me. I expected her to be elated.In part because of them. Jared and Jamie. I can give them the whole world, everything they pauperism. I can give them you. I probably would have cognize that someday. Who knows? perchance Jared would have asked. You know I wouldnt have said no.Ians right. Youre too self-sacrificing. You dont have any limits. You need limits, WandaAh, Ian, I moaned. A new pain squirm through me, surprisingly close to my heart.Youll take the whole world away from him. Everything he wants.It would never work with Ian. Not in this body, even though he loves it. It doesnt love him.Wanda, I Melanie struggled for words. Still, the joy I expected from her did not come. Again, this touched me. I dont think I can let you do this. Youre more fundamental than that. In the bigger picture, you are of much more value to them than I am. You can help them you can save them. I cant do any of that. You have to stay.I cant see any other way, Mel. I wonder how I didnt see it sooner. It seems so completely obvious. Of course I have to go. Of course I have to give you yourself back. I already knew we souls were wrong to come here. So I dont have any choice now but to do the right thing, and leave. You all survived without me before youll do it again. Youve learned so much about the souls from me-youll help them. Cant you see? This is the happy ending. Its the way they all need the story to finish. I can give them hope. I can give them not a future. Maybe not that. But as much as I can. Everything I can.No, Wanda, no.She was crying, becoming incoherent. Her sorrow brought tears to my eyes. Id no idea that she cared so much for me. Almost as much as I cared for her. I hadnt realized that we love each other.Even if Jared had never asked me for this, even if Jared did not exist Once this path had occurred to me, I would have had to proceed down it. I love her that much.No wonder the success rate for resistant hosts was so low here on Earth. Once we learned to love our human host, what hope did we souls have? We could not exist at the expense of one we loved. Not a soul. A soul could not live that way.I rolled myself over and, in the starlight, I looked at my body.My hands were dirty and scratched, but under the surface blemishes, they were beautiful. The skin was a pretty sun-browned color even bleached in the color light, it was pretty. The nails were chewed short but still healthy and smooth, with little half moons of white at the bases. I fluttered my fingers, watching the muscles pull the bones in graceful patterns. I let them dance above me, where they became black fluid shapes against the stars.I ran them through my h phone line. It was almost to my shoulders now. Mel would like that. After a few weeks of shampoo in hotel showers and health vitamins, it was glossy and soft again.I stretched my arms out as far as they would go, tuggin g against the tendons until some of my joints cracked. My arms felt strong. They could pull me up a mountainside, they could beam a heavy load, they could plow a field. But they were also soft. They could hold a child, they could comfort a friend, they could love but that was not for me.I took a deep breath, and tears welled out of the corners of my eyes and rolled down my temples into my hair.I tensed the muscles in my legs, felt their ready strength and speed. I wanted to run, to have an open field that I could race across just to see how fast I could go. I wanted to do this barefoot, so I could determine the earth beneath my feet. I wanted to look the wind fly through my hair. I wanted it to rain, so that I could smell it in the air as I ran.My feet flexed and pointed slowly, to the rhythm of my breathing. In and out. Flex and point. It felt nice.I traced my face with my fingertips. They were warm on my skin, skin that was smooth and pretty. I was glad I was giving Melanie her face back the way it had been. I closed my eyes and stroked my eyelids.Id lived in so many bodies, but never one I loved like this. Never one that I craved in this way. Of course, this would be the one Id have to give up.The irony made me laugh, and I concentrated on the feel of the air that popped in little bubbles from my chest and up through my throat. Laughter was like a fresh breeze-it cleaned its way through the body, making everything feel good. Did other species have such a simple healer? I couldnt remember one.I touched my lips and remembered how it felt to kiss Jared, and how it felt to kiss Ian. Not everyone got to kiss so many other beautiful bodies. Id had more than some, even in this short time.It was just so short Maybe a course now, I wasnt completely sure. Just one quick revolution of a blue green planet around an unexceptional yellow star. The shortest life of any Id ever lived.The shortest, the most important, the most heartbreaking of lives. The life that would forever define me. The life that had finally tied me to one star, to one planet, to one small family of strangers.A little more time would that be so wrong?No, Mel whispered. Just take a little more time.You never know how much time youll have, I whispered back.But I did. I knew exactly how much time I had. I couldnt take any more time. My time was up.I was going anyway. I had to do the right thing, be my true self, with what time I had left.With a sigh that seemed to come all the way from the soles of my feet and the palms of my hands, I got up.Aaron and Brandt wouldnt wait forever. And now I had a few more questions that I needed answered. This time, the questions were for Doc.The caves were full of sad, cast-down eyes. It was easy enough to slip unobtrusively past them all. No one cared what I was doing right now, except maybe Jeb, Brandt, and Aaron, and they werent here.I didnt have an open, rainy field, but at least I had the long south tunnel. It was too dark to run flat out the way I wanted, but I kept up a steady jog. It felt good as my muscles warmed.I expected I would find Doc already there, but Id wait if I had to. He would be alone. Poor Doc, that was usually the case now.Doc had been sleeping alone in his hospital since the night wed saved Jamies life. Sharon had taken her things from their room and moved them to her mothers, and Doc wouldnt sleep in the empty room.Such a great hatred. Sharon would rather kill her own happiness, and Docs, too, than forgive him for helping me heal Jamie.Sharon and Maggie were barely a presence in the caves anymore. They looked past everyone now, the way they used to look past only me. I wondered if that would change when I was gone, or if they were both so rigid in their grudge that it would be too late for them to change.What an extraordinarily stupid way to waste time.For the first time ever, the south tunnel felt short. Before I thought Id gone halfway, I could see Docs light fervent dimly from the rough arch ahead. He was home.I slowed myself to a walk before I interrupted him. I didnt want to scare him, to make him think there was an emergency.He was still startled when I appeared, a little breathless, in the stone doorway.He jumped up from behind his desk. The book he was tuition fell out of his hands.Wanda? Is something wrong?No, Doc, I reassured him. Everythings fine.Does someone need me?Just me. I gave him a weak smile.He walked around his desk to meet me, his eyes wide with curiosity. He paused half a step away and raised one eyebrow.His long face was gentle, the opposite of alarming. It was hard to remember how hed looked like a monster to me before.You are a man of your word, I began.He nodded and opened his mouth to speak, but I held one hand up.No one pull up stakes ever test that more than I result test it now, I warned him.He waited, eyes confused and wary.I took a deep breath, felt it gallop my lungs.I know how to do what youve been ending so many lives to discover. I k now how to take the souls from your bodies without harm to either. Of course I know that. We all have to, in case of an emergency. I even performed the emergency procedure once, when I was a Bear.I stared at him, waiting for his response. It took him a long moment, and his eyes grew wilder every second.Why are you telling me this? he finally gasped.Because I I am going to give you the knowledge you need. I held up my hand again. But only if you will give me what I want in return. Im warning you right now, it wont be any easier for you to give me what I want than it will be for me to give you what you want.His face was fiercer than Id ever seen it. Name your terms.You cant kill them-the souls you remove. You must give me your word-your promise, your oath, your vow-that you will give them safe conduct on to another life. This doer some danger you will have to have cryotanks, and you will have to get those souls onto shuttles off-planet. You have to send them to another world to live. But they wont be able to hurt you. By the time they reach their next planet, your grandchildren will be dead.Would my conditions mitigate my guilt in this? Only if Doc could be trusted.He was thought process very hard as I explained. I watched his face to see what he would make of my demand. He didnt look angry, but his eyes were still wild.You dont want us to kill the Seeker? he guessed.I didnt answer his question because he wouldnt understand the answer I did want them to kill her. That was the whole problem. Instead, I explained further.Shell be the first, the test. I want to make sure, while Im still here, that youre going to follow through. I will do the separation myself. When she is safe, Ill teach you how its done.On who?Kidnapped souls. The same(p) as before. I cant guarantee you that the human minds will come back. I dont know if the erased can return. Well see with the Seeker.Doc blinked, processing something. What do you designate, while you are still here? Are you le aving?I stared at him, waiting for the realization to hit. He stared back, uncomprehending.Dont you realize what Im giving you? I whispered.Finally, comprehension slammed home in his expression.I spoke quickly, before he could. Theres something else Im going to ask you for, Doc. I dont want to I wont be shipped off to another planet. This is my planet, it truly is. And yet, theres really no place for me here. So I know it might offend some of the others. Dont tell them if you think they wont allow it. Lie if you have to. But Id like to be buried by Walt and Wes. Can you do that for me? I wont take up much space. I smiled weakly again.No Melanie was howling. No, no, no, noNo, Wanda, Doc objected, too, with a take aback expression.Please, Doc, I whispered, wincing against the protest in my head, which was getting louder. I dont think Wes or Walt will mind.Thats not what I meant I cant kill you, Wanda. Ugh Im so sick of death, so sick of killing my friends. Docs voice caught in a sob. I put my hand on his thin arm, rubbed it. People die here. It happens. Kyle had said something to that effect. Funny that I should quote Kyle of all people twice in one night.What about Jared and Jamie? Doc asked in a choked voice.Theyll have Melanie. Theyll be fine.Ian?Through my teeth. better(p) off without me.Doc shook his head, wiping at his eyes. I need to think about this, Wanda.We dont have long. They wont wait forever before they kill the Seeker.I dont mean about that part. I agree to those terms. But I dont think I can kill you.Its all or none, Doc. You have to decide right now. And I realized I had one more demand. And you cant tell anyone else about the last part of our agreement. No one. Those are my terms, take them or leave them. Do you want to know how to remove a soul from a human body?Doc shook his head again. Let me think.You already know the answer, Doc. This is what youve been searching for.He just kept shaking his head slowly back and forth.I ignored that symbo l of denial because we both knew his choice was made.Ill get Jared, I said. Well make a quick raid for cryotanks. Hold off the others. Tell them tell them the truth. Tell them Im going to help you get the Seeker out of that body.